奥斯卡最佳原创剧本奖  原版剧本  英文剧本  美国

　　You said I would know when it was the time to fight! She was coming after us……
　　Evelyn sees Deirdre is holding their taxes file folder that they left behind.
　　DEIRDRE
　　You have no idea how much trouble you are in. Assaulting an IRS agent is a…… you have no idea!
　　WAYMOND
　　我是在說我們的事.
　　WAYMOND
　　I was talking about us.
　　Waymond lifts up the crumpled divorce papers.
　　EVELYN
　　“Dissolution of marriage”？ 什麼？
　　（What？）
　　DEIRDRE
　　（oh phone）
　　Yes! I’m on the tenth floor. I don’t know what they want， I don’t know if they’re armed……
　　EVELYN
　　是誰給你的.？
　　EVELYN
　　Who gave you those papers？
　　WAYMOND
　　沒⼈給我啊!
　　WAYMOND
　　Nobody gave them to me!
　　EVELYN
　　你哥…… （Your brother） gets divorce and now you think divorce is okay？
　　WAYMOND
　　I don’t think it’s okay!
　　EVELYN
　　We made a vow!
　　WAYMOND （CONT.）
　　Eveyln…我只是希望你和我…
　　WAYMOND
　　Evelyn……I know. I just wish
　　you and I.
　　He lowers his head fighting back tears. Then his head shoots back up and he speaks - in English：
　　ALPHA WAYMOND
　　I told you to stay low and out of Sight.
　　Evelyn hits him over and over.
　　EVELYN
　　Oh， now you’re here？ You’re confusing me! Coming and going.
　　Stop coming here!
　　The elevator door opens. It’s filled with security guards.
　　DEIRDRE
　　That’s her. The Chinese lady!
　　EVELYN
　　（at Alpha Waymond）
　　No! This is his fault!
　　GUARD
　　Everyone remain calm. I need you two to lie down on the ground with your hands behind your heads.
　　Evelyn obediently lies down， but Alpha Waymond takes her bluetooths and places them in his own ears.
　　GUARD （CONT’D）
　　Sir， please comply……
　　Alpha Waymond reaches into his pouch. The security guards all draw their weapons.
　　He pulls out his chapstick.
　　GUARD （CONT’D）
　　Whatever you are thinking about doing， don’t do it.
　　He pops open the cap， twists it to FULL STICK， and eats it WHOLE.
　　GUARD （CONT’D）
　　Sir……？
　　He chews and chews. The guards lower their guns， confused.
　　The devices VIBRATE and glow GREEN. He presses the button.
　　His head snaps back as if kicked back by a shotgun.
　　He flashes a devious smile to Evelyn as a security guard walks over and reaches to grab his arm.
　　He unsnaps his fanny pack which dangles from his fingers.
　　GUARD （CONT’D）
　　Okay， that’s enough-
　　Alpha Waymond whips his fanny pack like a pair of nunchucks right into the guard’s face. He recoils in pain.
　　He deftly knocks each of their guns to the ground， whipping them in the face for good measure.
　　The guards pull out batons and circle him. It’s a standoff.
　　Alpha Waymond calmly lengthens the fanny pack to full length， prompting the nervous guards to cautiously take a step back.
　　He reaches into a fish bowl on an adjacent office desk， pulls out a fist of little pebbles， then drops them into the unzipped fanny pack.
　　They attack. ZIP. He starts beating the living hell out of them with his heavy pack. He is incredible.
　　EVELYN
　　Holy shit.
　　He snaps the packs around one of their necks then punches him over and over again.
　　He unsnaps， then whips the buckle up inside one of their nostrils. He spins the pack then yanks， sending the guard Spiraling into a printer.
　　The last wimpy guard runs for the stairs leaving his Semiconscious coworkers groaning on the floor. Alpha Waymond turns to Evelyn.
　　ALPHA WAYMOND
　　On your feet!
　　Evelyn doesn’t know what to do. An ALARM begins to blare.
　　Emergency lighting is triggered. Onlookers run for an exit.
　　EVELYN
　　How did you…… what is happening？
　　我們真的要離婚嗎？
　　EVELYN
　　How did you…… what is happening？ Are we getting divorced？
　　Waymond slaps her.
　　ALPHA WAYMOND
　　I’m not the Waymond who wants to divorce you， I’m the Waymond who is Saving your life. Now， you can either come with me and live up to your ultimate potential， or lie here and live with the consequences.
　　EVELYN
　　I…… I…… want to lie here.
　　Frustrated， Alpha Waymond picks her up like a fireman.
　　Alpha Waymond carries Evelyn past the janitor’s closet. The door is closed and unharmed. CUT TO：
　　
　　19 CLOSET UNIVERSE: INT. IRS 10TH FLOOR
　　
　　The door is now open and has a massive hole punched through it. Inside lay Closet Evelyn and Closet Waymond’s bleeding bodies.
　　Deirdre with the black circle （bagel） on her forehead addresses confused hostages lined up along the cubicle walls.
　　DEIRDRE （BAGEL）
　　Citizens of the 4， 655th Thetaverse.
　　You are about to be graced by the presence of our sovereign leader， Jobu Tupaki.
　　Two small boots walk into frame stumbling forward like a drunk person’s. A gentle RUMBLE builds with each step.
　　DEIRDRE （BAGEL） （CONT’D）
　　Let me assure you of one thing：
　　Just like every other moment in your miserable lives， this is nothing more than a statistical inevitability.
　　A hand gently runs along the outer wall of a cubicle.
　　Directly on the other side of wall push pins sporadically change position， post-it notes change colors and text， a family portrait subtly changes family members.
　　DEIRDRE （BAGEL） （CONT’D）
　　Jobu Tupaki has seen all and knows all. She knows what makes you tick.
　　What fragile branches you rest your Self worth upon Jobu points a finger at Deirdre. Their face is hidden behind an elaborate mask.
　　JOBU
　　Shut up Deirdre， no one likes you.
　　Deirdre chokes on her words- then breaks down in tears. With her hands in her face she leaps off the balcony. THUD.
　　The hostages shriek.
　　JOBU （CONT’D）
　　Duck， Duck， Duck……
　　Jobu walks down the line not quite touching any of them on the head. Then stops at Evelyn.
　　JOBU （CONT’D）
　　Goose.
　　They reach out to touch Closet Evelyn， not quite dead after all. The LOW RUMBLE builds. Her eyes go wide.